Marjorie Jay Rushton

***This post is in loving memory of a wonderful friend, leader, and woman of God.

"Farther along we'll know all about it, farther along we'll understand why, cheer up my brothers, live in the sunshine, we'll understand it all by and by"

This morning I was awoken by mom coming in my room at about seven to tell me that a lady--only 30 years old from my church...with a husband and two daughters, ages 2 and 3...had passed away supposedly due to medications from having her tonsils removed. We went down to their house at about 10am to find her yard completely filled with cars belonging to family and friends. Everyone helped with the cleaning and things that needed to be taken care of. Margie was one of the most dedicated people I have ever known. She was a faithful teacher, preacher, drama leader, and friend to me. You couldn't out talk her--in speed or length...haha--but you also couldn't out give her. She was one of the absolute most generous people.

It's still not completely real to me that you're not here, but I know you couldn't be enjoying yourself more. Just last week we were all practicing dramas, cartwheels, toe touches, and eating pizza together. I feel like you can somehow see what all is going on down here and see all your loved ones missing you so and even though it's sad for you to see all of us grieving, I hope you can smile when you think about all those who care. I remember when you first started dating Mark, and then y'all got married and hannah grace, tavera, brooks and I were in your wedding : )
You are dearly missed by everyone, and we are all helping to take care of your precious girls who are like my own blood.

When things like this happen, it never fails to amaze me what a wake up call it is, that it could have been any of us that this happened to...so unexpected. How thankful I am to have all my family and friends with me right now! This is exactly why we should love and worship our creator--and love those around us with His love like there is no tomorrow, since we aren't promised a tomorrow or even the rest of today. Make a point to love, love, love every single day of your life.

Margie lovedddd it when grandma, mom, uncle danny, and i sang the song "homesick" by dottie rambo, i think is who it's by...haha it was ridiculous.

"See the bright light shine,
It's just about home time,
I can see my Father standing at the door,
This world has been a wilderness,
I'm headed for deliverance,
Lord, I've never been this homesick before."

" 'You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand.' "...[John 13:7]

***I love you Marge, and couldn't be happier for you! Save a place for me : )

Water Walking

So, I feel like I'm always talking about change...change at school, change in friends, change in relationships, change at church, change at home...
Everything changes...except God, of course.
I was just discussing with a friend of mine how everything seems unstable, nothing is definite, nothing is solid--I can't bet that anything will be the same tomorrow as it was today.
I'd almost go so far as to say that we're walking on water. Everyone knows what a wave looks like--how could one possibly remain standing on something so very unpredictable and unstable. On the other hand, Jesus is a solid rock, an anchor for us.
This brings me to the ever popular story of Peter walking on water...or not walking or water, rather. I feel like Peter is always the one getting picked on for his lack of faith, I have to admit I can't guarantee I wouldn't do some of the same things and have some of the same flaws.
Well, anyway, the disciples head out on a boat on the Sea of Galilee ahead of Jesus. Later, once they are a ways out Jesus is like hey, I should catch up to my bffs and just figures that walking would be the quickest way, I guess. The disciples see him and get scared and think he's a ghost?...which at first hearing that I think they are a little ridic...but again, I can't say if i saw a figure walking across the sea I wouldn't think it was supernatural either--but i guess it was...hmmm...
Well, Jesus is like, "take courage it is I, don't be afraid."
Peter, of course, is a little skeptical of this whole situation and says Lord, if it's you tell me to come. So, Jesus does so. He stepped out, saw the wind, and panicked and started to sink...he said "Lord save me!" Jesus immediately reaches out and pulls him up and replies, "You of little faith...why did you doubt?"

This brings me back to me and my friend's conversation...now almost every day seems like one of those walking on water days...but, the instability could become just as if we were walking on land if we trust in Jesus who even if we did start to sink would be our life preserver and pull us right back up--how reassuring! I'm going to go into every day, every unpredictable, crazy, storm-filled, up and down day with the faith that Jesus Christ has my back, so what could go wrong in the end?
: )

"Fear is Faith in Reverse"

anx·i·e·ty
   
/æŋˈzaɪɪti/[ang-zahy-i-tee]
–noun, plural
1.
distress or uneasiness of mind caused by fear of danger or misfortune


So, I've never met a human who is absolutely calm when faced with any situation. Nervousness is a natural feeling, that usually occurs at some point in life. Most people might feel nervous before speaking in front of a large groups of people, or get butterflies before a game, or have jitters before a test. Pretty much anything that it is important for one to do well on, or succeed at will cause nerves because it's a big deal. These nerves are even said to improve performance when the adrenaline gets pumping. This sort of feeling is not quite at the point of anxiety or fear yet. This kind of thing can actually be good for you, and is obviously natural as much as we may hate it.

Fear is a whole different ball game. Fear and anxiety are usually caused by bigger, more serious things. This is common sense stuff, but trust me, I'm going somewhere with this. Sometimes fear is only momentary and it is over quickly, or sometimes it may last a few days or months until what is feared has past. Either way, fear causes worry, which is not a Godly emotion. "For God has not given us a spirit of fear"...When it comes to the point where one is living in a state of fear it is straight from the devil. There are so many things that can cause an absolute spirit of fear in people. Like every other emotion, fear is controlled by the mind. The devil will use a Christian's mind to eat away at him if that is his weak point. But, as a God-fearing people we should not be consumed by this fear of whatever it is..."There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear..." [1 John 4:18] God is love.

When your mind becomes consumed with this fear, and anxiety, almost to the point where it can cause panic. It is wrong. It makes your mind weak and your guard is down. "Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour." [1 Peter 5:8]

I will be the first one to say, I have experienced this consuming fear/panic, and I've not been through anything worse. Mostly everyone who is relatively close to me knows that I have panic attacks (I hate calling it that because it sounds super weird). It's not something that I'm proud of at all because it's dreadful, but it's not something I hide either, not to make people feel bad for me, but because telling people makes me feel like I'm not alone with it. Most people's advice to me is "don't feel that way, there's nothing to be afraid of"...but there's absolutely no way they could know this deep feeling of panic unless they've experienced an "attack" because I know I couldn't have understood before this either. I'm not completely sure what triggered it, but I've been dealing with it since 7th grade--the shortness of breath, pounding heart, hot flashes, blurred vision, faintness, sick stomach, trembling, dizziness-- just a feeling of dread and that I have to "get out" for no apparent reason. I know I make this sound like it's a terminal illness or something, and I know I could be way worse off, but when I'm in the moment it seems like the worst thing ever. When it happens, I just have to get up from wherever I am and run to the nearest exit. My thoughts get so jumbled that all I can do is tell myself that it will be over soon and I will be able to relax.

The reason I went into all this is not only because I'm going somewhere with it, but also to vent since the ultimate obstacle of mine is coming up--school. I sometimes joke about it because it's pretty ridiculous, but it's always rough at the beginning of the school year...just the simple act of sitting in a classroom scares the heck out of me...why? because I'm afraid of getting sick and having a full blown panic attack again, this fear causes me to be sick, and it just becomes a whole cycle. There are certain things that I have to do for myself to ease this fear--ridiculous things, but we won't go into that. It has become such a huge part of my life whether i always let on about it, or not.

Now, that I've discussed that I feel like all professionalism about this whole post has been lost, but that's what I needed to get off my shoulders right before school...and if anyone has any advice on this, I will gladly take it because I haven't completely figured it out myself, not to say I haven't made progress. My usual excuse is "I can't help it...or-- I have no way to control it", but 2 Timothy 5:7 says otherwise.
"For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love and of self-control."

"So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."[Isaiah 41:10]
The Lord is with me, and the Holy Spirit is within me all day long. There's a certain comfort...a peace in knowing that when no one else gets it or understands why you worry or are afraid, he does and can bring you that peace that no one else is capable of.

"You keep him in perfect peace
whose mind is stayed on you,
because he trusts in you." [Is 26:3]

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid." [John 14:27]

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." [Phil 4:6-7]

***Based on the verse above God isn't a fan of worry, and it can become a sin at some point. The spirit of fear is cast out at the presence of Faith...Faith that the Lord is with you always, Faith that you will be okay, Faith that He is the peace speaker, Faith that He gives self-control, and most of all, Faith that He loves you. With an abundance of faith, fear and worry have no room to exist, and the devil has no hold on you.

I'm drowning in Bible verses on this topic, it's crazy. Please keep me in your prayers as this new school year is practically here, and y'all will be in mine for sure. Thanks for listening. : )

"...I know the Peacespeaker, I know Him by my name
I know the Peacespeaker, He controls the winds and
waves
When He says "peace, be still", they have in obey
I´m glad I know the Peacespeaker, yes I know Him by
name..."

"Jesus said, 'Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.'" [Matt 19:14]



It has definitely been a super busy summer! Kiddie camp for the South Aiken
Cheerleaders was today, where we teach kids some cheers and dances and that sort of thing. It was all right at the beginning of the day, but toward the end it started to go downhill--mass chaos. At one point there were about ten games of duck duck goose happening, and fifteen little sally walkers running around the circle.

It impacted me a lot more than i imagined that it would. Even though at times it got crazy, and pretty frequently throughout the day I wanted to pull my hair out, I loved it. I love kids.
I started to think back on the day when I got home. The first thing that came to my mind were the many kids that though they didn't even know me, and they would just come up and put their arms around me and love on me. What unconditional love they showed, to me--a stranger. I don't know where these kids came from, what kind of homes, what kind of family, or what kind of lifestyle. It made me want to love them even more because of the fact that I didn't know that sort of information. I don't know if the little girl's mom ever hugs her or shows any interest in her. I don't know if she has a father who encourages her and shows that he is proud of her, or if he is even present at all. It might have been up to me today to show the girls just a portion of the love that they are missing daily.

See, I grew up in a home where I was surrounded by love and encouragement. I have always been in church, and the first nine years of my life i was taught the Bible in private school everyday by loving teachers. God-fearing people including my whole immediate family and a good bit outside of that were teaching me right from wrong, the love of Jesus, and how to conduct my life in a way that is pleasing to the Lord as i got older. I've taken that for granted pretty much up until recent years because even pretty much all my friends had just as much as I did. So, it seemed to be the norm.

I can't help but wonder why, having realized at this point that not all kids grow up even a fraction of as good as i had it, God would put ME in such a wonderful setting with such a wonderful family and pretty much perfect lifestyle. Why me?!
Every child deserves to be exposed to their creator, to have someone to lead them into His light, and be shown His love, and be given the opportunity to worship Him, because that's all they are searching for--what they were made for.
They are so impressionable. Whatever they see, they do. I know some of them have already been exposed to things that I will never see and would never ever want to. I got saved at a crazy young age when you would think, there's no way that kid could understand what I'm even talking about. But I did!...and they do. It has been proven that babies can in fact, start learning and developing based on their surroundings and exposure to certain things even from the womb, whether it be physical or mental.
Whether their heads and hearts are being filled with Jesus or worldly pleasures and lifestyles is up to the people who are supposed to be their guidance, present or not.

But it dawned on me, the reason that I was given such love and the opportunity to find Jesus is so that i can pass that down to other little ones that don't have the same thing I did. I can help to lead them in the way that they should go so that when they are older they will help add more to the Kingdom of God and feel His love pour out on them every day. I'm not sure what my calling is in that area yet, but i feel sure it is helping children in some way. So, i apologize if I droned a bit, but it's definitely a passion of mine. : )

"What do you think? If a man owns a hundred sheep, and one of them wanders away, will he not leave the ninety-nine on the hills and go to look for the one that wandered off? And if he finds it, I tell you the truth, he is happier about that one sheep than about the ninety-nine that did not wander off. In the same way your Father in heaven is not willing that any of these little ones should be lost." [Matt 18:12-14]

"Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it." [Prov 22:6]


"These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up." [Deut 6:6-7]

Burning the 2am oil in the bathroom floor with a not so cute moth...

I can't sleep...obviously--it's 2:45(when i wrote this, not typed it. ha), and all I can think about is weird stuff when I'd rather my stomach stop hurting and I could think about the back of my swollen eyelids. Just me, God, and the moth.
I think it's weird how people try to make love the most complicated thing ever when it's actually one of the more simple things, i think. I think it's weird how people thing love can fade, or chip, or reduce in some way over time or because of something the other did. I think it's weird how people try to make different categories of love. Like "unconditional" love...if it's real love then shouldn't it automatically be unconditional without it having to be said? Without unconditional already in the definition doesn't that just make it "like" or infatuation? I don't like when people try to make 100 different categories for it. It's all the same. Of course you love your mom differently than you'll love your husband, but it's still the same. If you really LOVE someone--it never ever fails. What if God was like, "Hey, Lauren got really annoyed with me tonight and started questioning me, who is she to question me?! I think I'll love her a little less tomorrow!"...if that were the case, I'd be in a bad way.
All true love is the same. The only reason a human can even begin to define what love is, is because God first loved us. All love can only branch off of His love for us. God is love. [1 John 4:8] So, I guess that means the only way we can love someone perfectly and truly is if He is right in the middle of it. What if every fight my parents had over 22 years of marriage made them love each other less...I think they'd be divorced. I think love is weird, but there's no way one can live a Christian life without it.
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. [1 Corinthians 13:13]
Someone very wise in my eyes told me that "love is kinda like a tattoo on your heart and it never completely goes away."--I thought this was a beautiful way of putting it, but they were trying to tell me that that tattoo can fade and be chipped away at over time...maybe if it's a henna tattoo, but it's not supposed to be. Of course getting hurt can become a hindrance to that love, but if it were really love to begin with it could somehow persevere through that, because again love never fails.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails... [1 Corinthians 13:7-8a
Not trying to prove my very wise friend wrong, but just want them to know that i will love them forever : )
I pray that every time I have a disagreement with a loved one that I will only want to love them more until I'm ready to explode! : )

The ugly moth died. I'm glad I'm in a better way than it is...guess it's just the two of us again.

***Ps. I hope this blog did someone some good because Lindsey sent me this verse this morning and I just knew I had to go through with posting this.
Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other [Romans 12:10] I've had someone give me the title and idea to do this post, I've had someone give me a reason and the idea of content to do it with, and then Lindsey's verse this morning confirmed that I should post it. So, God has a way of reaching me when He needs to, as usual. : )

Agenda

So, I guess i wrote this on Monday when Lindsey and I were in our lonnnggg math class...and just now got around to typing it...But, anywayyy...

Sometimes I feel like God has a checklist with my name on it--like all the things he has planned for me are listed and checked off as they are completed. But one of the biggest things that I struggle with is moving on when God checks off something.
When he says Lauren, good job, you've done what you need to do here and you've learned what you need to learn....but i just can't let it go yet. I feel like this is what prevents me from moving on to greater things.

Someone like Rachel Joy Scott (above picture--if you were wondering who the random girl was), who was shot in the Columbine shooting because she believed in God, who I've always made a role model of since I was little. I think she was an awesome person and I've felt kind of weirdly close to and inspired by her from reading her published journals and books and stuff... I feel like the reason she and other young people and babies who seem to have not had the chance to live yet have actually done just the opposite. God had a plan for her and when she completed it He brought her back to Him.
I believe that focusing so much on one piece of the puzzle keeps me from seeing the big picture. God's plan. Little, petty, earthly things could keep me from growing in the Lord. I dont know why I let that happen, or get so hung up on the smallest(sometimes seemingly large things).
I was in the car yesterday (not yesterday from this date, but from the date I wrote it haha) and I had an epiphany (sometimes you can hear something over and over, but it won't mean anything until a brick falls and hits you and you realize it for yourself). I remembered that God is completely in control of everything. Everything that is happening is contributing to paving the way to help me accomplish the tasks on my life's list, or a piece of the puzzle to the big picture.
All I am is a vessel--I need to get my hands out of things, go with the flow, and let Him use me.
It reminds me of when my sisters were little and asked mom if they could help her do whatever it was she was doing at the time. Sometimes, if it was a big job and it needed to go ahead and get done because we had to go somewhere or something, she would say no, just let me handle it because I already know how to do it and can get it done faster. Sometimes, she would let them help her because it was something that they needed to know how to do or learn from. Sometimes we just just need to stop and let daddy handle it and do what needs to be done in our lives and stop messing around because we don't have much time left!
I don't want to keep something from getting checked off--a life from being saved, a lesson from being learned, a step deeper into the Lord because I have been a stumbling block to myself.

"In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps. 16:9" [Proverbs 16:9]

"Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things." [Colossians 3:2]

The Best/Worst Year

So, this school year has been super duper crazy...and I'm almost sad to see it end!
So many great things have happened, but so many other not so good things have happened too. I'm still kind of having trouble absorbing all of it.
Yesterday was super exciting...the baseball boys won their game...so proud of them! and varsity cheerleading was made by me, brenna, lindsey, and shelby! I am beyond excited about that. Can't wait to cheer with my girls!
So, summer is coming, and it's a little bittersweet because while I know last summer can't be topped, this summer will be great as well...
Still thanking God for every good and bad event that has happened this year because it wouldn't be complete without all of it!
"The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord!" [Job 1:21]